Every form of therapy has its risks. In Parallel Therapy, the central one is this: a partner comes to feel that their therapist has quietly switched sides.
I know this risk well, because I've stumbled into it.
How it happened
Some time into working with one couple, the wife told me that something I'd just said sounded like her husband's words, not mine.
She was right. In his session the week before, he'd said something that resonated with me, and without realizing it, I had carried his framing into her session. The content wasn't what hurt. What hurt was hearing her therapist sound like her husband. In that moment, she felt me land on his side.
Why it matters so much
In Parallel Therapy, each partner needs to feel that I am fundamentally theirs. That I see them, understand them, and won't become the other person's advocate.
It's a bit like a child with a sibling. A child needs to know that a parent's love for them isn't diminished because there's another child in the house. Each partner needs the same assurance. If one of them starts to feel that I'm working for the other side, the private space that makes Parallel Therapy possible stops feeling safe.
Holding two perspectives without merging them
I hear both partners' accounts. I'm supposed to be influenced by what I learn; that's the point of the work. But there's a difference between being informed by one partner's perspective and adopting it. The job is to carry what I know from one room into the other without letting it become my own voice.
Most of the time, that works. Sometimes it doesn't, and the client is usually the first to notice.
What protects the work
The safeguard isn't avoiding every misstep. That isn't possible, in this work or any other. The safeguard is being honest when it happens, repairing it, and learning from it.
When she told me I sounded like her husband, the most important thing I could do was take it seriously. Not defend myself, and not explain it away. She needed to know I'd heard her, and that I understood why it mattered.
The same thing we ask of couples
There's something fitting about this. Rupture and repair is exactly what we ask couples to learn: to notice when they've hurt each other, to own it without collapsing or getting defensive, and to put things right. When a therapist does the same thing in plain view, it's more than damage control. It's a demonstration of what repair looks like.
If you'd like to talk about whether Parallel Therapy fits your situation, I offer a 20–30 minute video consultation. You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com.
