What Kind of Partner Do I Want to Be?
Most people come to couples therapy with a clear answer to a different question: what kind of partner do I want my spouse to be? They can describe in detail what the other person does wrong, what they should stop doing, and what they should start doing instead. Often they're not wrong.
But that question keeps the focus on the one person in the marriage they can't change. Parallel Therapy turns it around.
The questions
In individual sessions, I guide each partner through the same set of questions:
What kind of partner do I want to be?
Why is it important to me to be this kind of partner?
What do I need to learn to be this partner?
What are my internal obstacles to becoming this partner?
What is the price I will have to pay to overcome these obstacles?
What is the price I will pay if I do not overcome these obstacles?
They look simple. They aren't.
Values come first
The first two questions are about values, not tactics. The point isn't to figure out what would finally make your spouse satisfied. It's to decide who you want to be in this relationship regardless of how your spouse behaves, and why that matters to you.
That distinction is important. If the only reason to change is to get a better response from your partner, the change won't survive the first time your partner doesn't respond the way you hoped. If the reason is that you want to be a certain kind of person, it holds up better.
Some of it is learnable
The third question is practical. Being a good partner takes skills, and many people never had a chance to learn them. Saying what you want plainly, without blame. Listening without getting defensive. Staying in a hard conversation instead of escalating or leaving. These can be taught and practiced, and much of Parallel Therapy is doing exactly that.
The obstacles are usually old
The fourth question is where most of the work happens. If someone knows what kind of partner they want to be and knows what to do, why don't they do it?
Usually because something older gets in the way. A rule learned in childhood about money, or affection, or anger. A way of protecting yourself that made sense at eight years old and still runs the show at sixty. These patterns aren't character flaws. They were adaptations. But they cost a great deal in a marriage.
Both choices have a price
The last two questions are about cost, and people tend to skip them
Change has a price. You may have to give up being right. You may have to give up a familiar role, or a story in which you are the injured party. You may have to feel things you've spent a lifetime avoiding.
Not changing has a price too. It's the marriage you have now, continuing. Most people have never set those two costs side by side. When they do, the decision often looks different.
Why this works better alone
It's hard to answer these questions honestly with your partner in the room. Admitting your own part in front of someone you're angry with can feel like losing the argument. In a private session, there's no argument to lose. There's just the question of who you want to be, and what's in the way.
If you'd like to talk about whether Parallel Therapy fits your situation, I offer a 20–30 minute video consultation. You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com.
