Discernment Counseling

For couples at a crossroads — when one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to fight for the marriage.

Why This Exists

For some unhappily married couples, the central question is whether both partners are committed to repairing the relationship. Many talented therapists are trained to treat marriages — they are rarely trained to address this question directly and constructively. The result is often demoralization, prolonged indecision, and unproductive therapy. A significant waste of time and money.

I learned this the hard way. That is why I pursued advanced training and certification in Discernment Counseling.

What Discernment Counseling Is

Discernment Counseling is a short-term, structured decision-making process — typically one to five sessions — created by William Doherty, Ph.D. for couples at an impasse. One partner is seriously considering separation or divorce. The other hopes to preserve the marriage. Both are stuck.

The goal is clarity, insight, and confidence about a direction for the marriage. Through guided reflection — done primarily outside the presence of the spouse — each partner develops a deeper understanding of what has happened, how the marriage reached this point, and their own contributions to the difficulties. There is no pressure to reconcile, enter therapy, or separate.

Who This Is For

Discernment Counseling is designed for married couples who find themselves in one or more of these situations:

  • One partner is considering divorce; the other wants to work on the marriage

  • Previous or current couples therapy has stalled, drifted, or is undermining the decision-making process

  • Traditional couples therapy feels premature — the commitment to stay has yet to be established

  • Both partners want to make a thoughtful, deliberate decision about the future of the marriage

  • Both are open to examining their own role in what has gone wrong

The Process

Sessions run ninety minutes to two hours and combine time together as a couple with frank, one-on-one confidential conversations with me. The emphasis is on personal responsibility, insight, and a realistic understanding of your options: what a productive course of couples therapy would require, what a divorce would involve, and what it would mean to pause the decision and allow the discernment process itself to work.

The Three Paths

By the end of the process, couples arrive at one of three directions:

Path 1: Pause. Take time to absorb the insights gained during discernment. Allow the marriage to respond to what has shifted before making a decision.

Path 2: Initiate separation or divorce.

Path 3: Commit to six months of focused couples therapy, with divorce off the table during that period, followed by a reassessment.

There are many good reasons to slow down this decision and receive guidance from an objective professional. Clarity, responsibility toward family continuity, managing generational impact, and maintaining personal integrity are among them. Whichever path follows — pause, recommitment, or separation — it unfolds constructively, with discretion, respect, and honesty.

Explore More Insights

Read more about relationships, decision-making, and couples therapy on our blog.

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Logistics Discernment Counseling with Dr. Herwitz is available in person at her office at 14 E. 75th Street, Suite 1A, on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and via secure video for couples in New York, California, Connecticut, Washington D.C., and Florida. Dr. Herwitz also works with couples located in the broader New York metro area, including New Jersey, Westchester, and Long Island, via virtual sessions. | By appointment only | contactdrherwitz@gmail.com

Call (212) 327-3624
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Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

  • No. Discernment Counseling is a decision-making process, not a treatment. Couples therapy assumes both partners have committed to working on the relationship. Discernment Counseling is specifically for couples for whom that commitment has not yet been established — when one partner is leaning toward leaving and the other wants to repair the marriage. The goal is clarity about direction and understanding of one’s own personal contributions, not improvement of the relationship.

  • Yes, both partners must be present at every session. Both participate in the process, but not always in the same room at the same time. A significant portion of each session is spent with each partner individually. These private conversations are often where the most important work happens — each person can speak honestly without managing the other's reaction in real time. During individual time, the partner who is not working with Dr. Herwitz is either in the waiting room or off camera if meeting virtually. 

  • It is common for the process to begin with just one partner. If you are the one who wants to preserve the marriage, or if you are the one considering leaving, you can contact Dr. Herwitz directly. An initial private phone call helps clarify whether Discernment Counseling is the right fit and, if so, how to approach your spouse about participating.

  • Divorce mediation helps couples negotiate the terms of a separation that has already been decided. Discernment Counseling takes place before that decision is made — it is for couples who are not yet certain about the future of the marriage. The process is designed to produce a thoughtful, deliberate direction, not to manage an outcome that has already been determined.

  • No. Dr. Herwitz is not an advocate for reconciliation or for divorce. Her role is to help both partners arrive at a clear, honest understanding of what has happened, what each person has contributed, and what a realistic path forward looks like — whichever direction that turns out to be. The decision belongs to the couple.