Discernment Counseling
For many unhappily married couples the central question is not how to improve the relationship, but whether both partners are committed to repairing it. Many well meaning and talented therapists are not trained to address this question directly and constructively. This oversight can result in demoralization, frustration, prolonged indecision and/or unproductive therapy—a huge waste of time and money.
I learned this the hard way. That's why I received advanced training and certification in Discernment Counseling.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term, decision making process—typically 1 to 5 sessions—created for couples at a crossroads. It is designed for situations in which one partner is "leaning out,"—seriously considering separation or divorce, while the other partner is "leaning in,"—hoping to preserve the marriage and work on it, either in or out of therapy. Unlike traditional couples therapy, the goal is not to fix the relationship, resolve conflicts, or improve communication. Instead, the focus is on helping both partners gain clarity, insight and confidence about a direction for their marriage.
Through guided reflection, done primarily out of the presence of their spouse, each partner develops a deeper understanding of what has happened to the marriage, how it reached this point, and their own contributions to the difficulties—without pressure to stay together, reconcile, enter into therapy or to separate.
Who Is Discernment Counseling For?
Discernment Counseling is well-suited for married couples who:
Have one partner considering divorce and the other hoping to work on the marriage
Are not ready or willing to begin traditional couples therapy
Find that past or current couples therapy is undermining the decision making process
Want to make a thoughtful, deliberate decision about the future of their marriage
Are open to examining their own role in the relationship's challenges
The Process
Sessions last for 90 minutes to two hours and include a unique combination of time together as a couple and frank, one-on-one confidential conversations with me. The emphasis is on personal responsibility, insight, and a thorough and realistic understanding of your options. You will consider what would be required for a productive course of couples therapy, what a divorce would involve, and what it would be like to delay the process of deciding between reconciliation and divorce—without pressure to choose any one in particular.
The Three Possible Paths
By the end of the Discernment Counseling process, couples arrive at one of three "paths:"
Path 1: Take time to consider insights gained during the discernment sessions; pause making a decision and see what happens in your marriage as a result of going through the discernment process.
Path 2: Initiate separation or divorce
Path 3: Commit to six months of focused couples therapy, with divorce off the table during that time, followed by a reassessment about whether or not to reconcile.
There are many good reasons to slow down the decision making process and receive guidance from an objective professional. Clarity, responsibility toward family continuity, managing generational impact and maintaining personal integrity are just some of the benefits of allowing whichever path follows—pause, recommitment or separation—to unfold constructively with discretion, respect and honesty.