Is Working Apart Just Avoidance?

It's a fair question, and I've asked it of myself. If the goal is a better marriage, shouldn't the couple eventually be able to sit in the same room and do the work together? And if they never do, is Parallel Therapy just a sophisticated way of helping them avoid each other?

Why I kept asking

When I first worked this way, I kept checking whether the couple was ready for a joint session. I raised the possibility regularly and kept it in mind throughout. Part of that was clinical. Part of it, honestly, was my own discomfort with doing something so unconventional. I wanted reassurance that the parallel structure was justified, and not just a way of steering around the harder work.

What avoidance actually looks like

Avoidance means staying away from what's difficult. Parallel Therapy asks each partner to face the most difficult material there is: their own part in the problem, and the old patterns that keep them stuck. That isn't easier than a joint session. For many people it's harder, because there's no partner in the room to point to.

And the couple isn't avoiding each other. They're having hard conversations at home, in real life, without a therapist present. That's where the relationship is actually tested.

When the couple comes together

With that first couple, joint sessions happened twice over the course of our work. Both times, what brought them into the room together was something they shared: their love for their children and their family.

The first joint session came at the urging of their adult child, who believed they needed to be in therapy together to make more progress. That session told me a great deal. She was frustrated by his difficulty with empathy. He sat with his arms crossed, too guarded to be vulnerable in front of her. They weren't ready.

Ten months later, she asked for a joint session herself. This time she began by expressing appreciation for his support. She said she felt seen, understood, accepted, and part of their family. He said that was all he had ever wanted, and that their relationship was the most important thing to him. They reached for each other's hands.

A measure, not the method

What I took from this is that a joint session can be a measure of progress rather than the method for getting there. The first one showed me how far they still had to go. The second showed me how far they'd come. Neither would have meant much without the separate work in between.

I still believe the ultimate test of what a couple has built is whether they can be vulnerable in each other's presence. Parallel Therapy doesn't abandon that goal. It prepares people to meet it.

If you'd like to talk about whether Parallel Therapy fits your situation, I offer a 20–30 minute video consultation. You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com.