Filing for Divorce Doesn’t Mean You’re Sure About It

There is a widely held assumption — shared by therapists, attorneys, friends, and family members alike — that by the time someone files for divorce, the decision is settled. The thinking goes: if you’ve hired a lawyer and started the legal process, you must have made your peace with the end of the marriage. The only remaining work is to get through it as constructively as possible.

In my practice, I can tell you that this assumption is frequently wrong. And now, a growing body of research confirms what I have observed for years: a significant number of people who file for divorce are not at all certain they want one.

What the research actually shows

The first major study on this question was conducted by William Doherty, Brian Willoughby, and Bruce Peterson in 2011, who surveyed nearly 2,500 divorcing parents. Their findings were striking: roughly one in four parents believed their marriage could still be saved, and about 30 percent expressed interest in reconciliation services — even though they were already in the middle of the legal process.

A follow-up study the next year produced remarkably similar numbers: 26 percent believed the marriage was salvageable, and a third wanted access to services that might help them reconcile.

A third study, led by Doherty with a sample of over 600 parents who had filed for divorce, looked more closely at the spectrum of attitudes. Only two-thirds of participants said they were certain they wanted the divorce. The remaining third were either ambivalent or actively did not want it. And those who were uncertain expressed strong interest in professional help to save the marriage.

These were not people at the beginning of a difficult conversation. These were people with lawyers, with filings, with the legal machinery of divorce already in motion.

Unpublished data from attorneys’ offices tells an even more dramatic story: among people in initial consultations with divorce lawyers — the very first meeting — fully half were either ambivalent about proceeding or did not want the divorce at all. Only half were certain.

Regret is more common than we acknowledge

The ambivalence doesn’t end after the divorce is finalized. Multiple surveys of divorced individuals have found that approximately half wished they had worked harder to overcome their differences and avoid divorce altogether. In one well-known longitudinal study, Hetherington and Kelly found that in 75 percent of divorced couples, at least one partner expressed regret about the decision within the first year.

A qualitative study by Knox and Corte found that the experience of separation itself often triggered a fundamental reassessment — people who had initiated the separation began to question whether it was the right choice, and many said they would urge others in similar situations to slow down and attempt reconciliation before proceeding.

Why this matters

These findings challenge a narrative that most of us have internalized: that divorce is a clear, binary decision — you’re either in the marriage or you’re out — and that once legal action begins, the question is settled.

The reality is far more complicated. Many people file for divorce not because they are certain, but because they don’t know what else to do. They may be exhausted from years of unresolved conflict. They may have tried couples therapy that didn’t work — or that was the wrong kind of therapy for their situation. They may be acting out of pain, or frustration, or a desire to force a reaction from a spouse who has been emotionally unavailable.

Filing for divorce is sometimes a decision. But it is just as often a cry for help, a negotiating move, or an act of desperation by someone who hasn’t been offered a better option.

There is a better option

This is precisely why Discernment Counseling exists. It was developed by Dr. William Doherty — the same researcher behind the studies I’ve described — specifically for couples where one or both partners are uncertain about ending the marriage.

Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy. It doesn’t ask you to commit to working on the relationship. It doesn’t assume the marriage should be saved. What it does is give both partners — the one leaning toward divorce and the one hoping to repair — a structured, brief process (one to five sessions) to gain genuine clarity about what they want, grounded in a deeper understanding of what went wrong and each person’s role in it.

For couples already in the legal process, it offers something that neither therapy nor the legal system typically provides: a pause. A chance to make sure the decision to end a marriage is truly a decision — not a default.

If you or someone you know is in this position — legal proceedings underway, but genuine uncertainty underneath — it is not too late to step back and examine the decision more carefully. That is not weakness. It is wisdom.

I welcome a confidential conversation about whether Discernment Counseling might be the right next step. You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com.

Dr. Johanna Herwitz is a clinical psychologist on the Upper East Side of New York City. She specializes in Discernment Counseling for couples at a crossroads, couples therapy using the Developmental Model, and individual therapy for adults navigating major life transitions. She is frequently consulted by attorneys and fellow clinicians at relationship decision points.