Affairs, Addictions, and Abuse: When the “Hard” Problems Don’t Have to End Your Marriage

There was a time when divorce was rare, and when it happened, the reasons were stark. Someone was chronically unfaithful. Someone was drinking destructively. Someone was violent. In 19th-century America, you could add a fourth: desertion — husbands who went west and simply disappeared.

These are what I think of as the “hard” reasons for divorce — affairs, addictions, and abuse, the Triple A’s. They represent behaviors that threaten the dignity and safety of a spouse and, almost always, the children. In their most severe forms, they are intolerable. No one can live with them indefinitely and remain healthy.

But their presence does not automatically mean the marriage is over. That distinction matters enormously, and it is one that most people — and many professionals — get wrong.

We now live in the era of “soft” divorce

Today, the reasons most people give for divorcing look very different from the Triple A’s. Research consistently finds that the leading explanations are growing apart (cited by 55 percent of divorcing people), an inability to communicate (53 percent), conflicts about money (40 percent), personal problems of the spouse (37 percent), feeling unappreciated (34 percent), sexual dissatisfaction (24 percent), and differences in lifestyle or values (23 percent).

These are real sources of pain — I don’t minimize them — but they are a long way from infidelity or violence. Some couples learn to live with these softer problems, accepting the limitations of their partner and their marriage while building a life that is still meaningful. Others get professional help and find genuine improvement, particularly when both people are willing to work at it.

But the hard problems haven’t gone away. In research on divorcing couples, infidelity was cited by 37 percent, alcohol or drug problems by 22 percent, and physical violence by 13 percent — rising to 18 percent among wives. These are large numbers. And couples dealing with a Triple A problem almost always have plenty of the soft problems layered on top.

When you should leave now

Before I talk about the possibility of saving a marriage in the presence of a hard problem, I want to be direct about when that conversation may not apply.

If you are in physical danger — if you are being beaten or subjected to coercive control, meaning your spouse dictates who you can see, what you wear, and where you go — your safety comes first. If your spouse refuses to stop having affairs and shows no willingness to change, or if your spouse will not address an addiction that has reached the point of compromising your ability to function as a parent, a partner, or a person, those may be situations where leaving is the healthiest choice available to you.

But here is the critical insight: what dooms a marriage is usually not the presence of a Triple A problem itself. It is the unwillingness or inability to commit to changing it.

Affairs are not automatic death sentences

I have lost count of how many people have told me, with great certainty, that they would leave immediately if their spouse ever cheated. In reality, affairs are far more varied than that declaration allows for.

Some affairs are isolated lapses — a terrible decision that the person deeply regrets and is unlikely to repeat. Why blow up an otherwise strong marriage over a single transgression? Other affairs are less about the marriage than about a personal crisis — someone choosing infidelity as a kind of self-medication for pain that has little to do with the relationship. And then there are affairs that are part of a chronic pattern — serial infidelity that the person has no intention of giving up. The spectrum is wide, and what matters most is whether the person who strayed is willing to change.

I once heard a story about a British lord who marveled at the fragility of modern marriages. He said something to the effect of: what a frightful thing these young people are doing — throwing away a perfectly good marriage simply because they’ve fallen in love with somebody else. It is an old-world sentiment, but it contains a grain of wisdom: slow down, don’t throw anything away in the heat of the crisis, and see whether the marriage can be repaired.

Research supports this. Studies show that infidelity is not a predictor of whether marriage counseling will succeed or fail. The presence of an affair does not make divorcing spouses more pessimistic about the possibility of reconciliation. Affairs are devastating — that is not in question — but many couples recover fully when both partners are willing to do the work of healing. Some emerge with marriages that are more honest and more intimate than what came before.

An affair is fatal to a marriage only when someone refuses to stop, refuses to take responsibility, or refuses to engage in the difficult process of repair.

Addictions follow the same logic

Effective treatments for addiction exist, and many people go on to live healthy lives and sustain strong marriages after recovery. What destroys marriages is not the addiction itself but the posture each partner takes toward it.

On the side of the addicted partner, it is denial, blame, and an unwillingness to follow through with treatment and sustained support. On the side of the non-addicted partner — and this is harder for people to hear — it is the unwillingness to confront how distorted their own behavior has become in response to the addiction. Enabling. Codependency. Building coalitions with other family members. Organizing your entire life around managing someone else’s illness rather than insisting they manage it themselves.

Both partners have to commit to getting help and making fundamental changes. When that happens, it is remarkable. Some of the strongest marriages I have encountered are ones that have come through addiction recovery — marriages built on a level of honesty and mutual accountability that most couples never achieve.

Abuse is more complicated

I want to be careful here, because abuse involves questions of safety that affairs and addictions typically do not.

First, a principle I hold firmly: the choice to be violent or to use coercive control is 100 percent the responsibility of the abuser. Even if you have been a difficult partner — and who isn’t sometimes? — there are always other ways your spouse could have responded. You did not cause the violence. You are not responsible for it.

That said, research has identified an important distinction between two forms of intimate partner violence. The first, sometimes called intimate terrorism, involves one partner — most often a man — systematically intimidating and dominating the other through coercive control, with or without physical violence. This pattern accounts for roughly 10 percent of abusive relationships, and most experts agree that it leaves little room for repair. If this is your situation, the priority is getting out safely, using every resource available to you.

The second form, sometimes called situational or ordinary partner violence, looks very different. It typically involves both partners, arises from poor impulse control and escalating conflict, and occurs episodically rather than as a pattern of domination. Both people usually feel terrible about it afterward, and there are often long stretches with no violence at all. There is little coercive control.

I do not want to minimize this. Ordinary partner violence is still dangerous — emotionally and physically — for adults and children. It is a hard problem that undermines health and human dignity. But marriages affected by this form of violence can be restored to health when both partners bring genuine motivation and energy to getting help and making changes.

As with affairs and addictions, the question is not whether the problem exists. The question is whether both people are willing to do what it takes to change it.

A way to put everything on the line — and give your marriage its best chance

If your marriage is facing one of the Triple A’s, and you have decided that you cannot continue living with the status quo, there is a way to confront the situation that is both honest and strategic. This approach is designed to do two things: help you be healthy in an unhealthy situation, and give your marriage the best possible chance.

Start with yourself. Before you say anything to your spouse, take an honest inventory of your own contributions to the problems in the relationship. This does not mean you are responsible for your partner’s destructive behavior — you don’t make your spouse drink, have affairs, or become violent. But it acknowledges that in any long-term relationship, both people have contributed to the dynamic. This self-examination is not for your spouse’s benefit. It is for yours. It will make what comes next more honest and more credible.

Find a concrete professional resource. Before the conversation, identify a therapist, a treatment program, or a counseling center that specializes in the specific problem you’re facing. Know what getting started would involve. Having a specific next step ready transforms a vague plea into a concrete proposal.

Then have the conversation. This may be the most complex and important message you have ever delivered. It goes something like this:

I want to say some important things, and I’m asking you to hear me out before you respond.

I love you, and I want to stay married to you.

I cannot go on as long as you are doing what you’re doing. (Name the specific behavior.)

I know I contribute to a lot of problems in our marriage, and I am willing to work hard to change my part. (Don’t get into specifics here — the moment you do, the conversation will pivot to your shortcomings. Simply acknowledge that you have them and intend to address them.)

I need a commitment from you to change your part.

That means we get help together. I don’t think anything will change enough without it.

I love you. I want us to stay married. And things have to change.

Then listen. Your spouse’s response may be defensive (“I don’t have a problem”), critical (“You’re the one with the problem”), placating (“Sure, I’ll do anything you want”), or — if you’re fortunate — honest and open, which often looks defensive and critical at first but gradually comes around to acknowledging the need for help.

Do not get drawn into a debate about specifics — how much they drink, whether the last affair was physical, whose fault the last violent episode was. Repeat what you said, in different words. Ask if they will get help with you. That is the action step you are looking for.

If you don’t get agreement the first time, that’s normal. End the conversation and ask your spouse to think about what you’ve said. Bring it up again in a few days or a week, in the same way. This repetition is essential — it is how your spouse learns that you are serious. Don’t give an ultimatum with a specific date, but increase the intensity of your challenge over time. Make clear that you are not feeling heard and that you cannot continue this way.

If, after sustained effort, you still don’t get genuine commitment to change, then tell your spouse that you have made the difficult decision to leave. Be prepared for the possibility of a turnaround at this point — sometimes the prospect of actual loss produces the willingness that nothing else could. But know that you cannot count on it.

When you need help deciding

If you are in a marriage affected by one of the Triple A’s and you are struggling to know whether to stay or go — whether your spouse’s willingness to change is real, whether the situation is salvageable, whether you have already tried enough — that uncertainty is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you are taking the decision seriously.

Discernment Counseling is designed for exactly this kind of crossroads. It is a brief, structured process — one to five sessions — that helps you gain clarity about what has happened in your marriage, what each of you has contributed, and whether there is a realistic path forward. It does not pressure you toward any particular outcome. It helps you make the decision that is right for your life.

If you would like to talk about whether this might be a helpful next step, I welcome a confidential conversation. You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com.

Dr. Johanna Herwitz is a clinical psychologist on the Upper East Side of Manhattan specializing in Discernment Counseling for couples at a crossroads, couples therapy, and individual therapy. She works with individuals and couples facing high-stakes relationship decisions involving infidelity, addiction, and other complex challenges.