What Happens When You Call a Discernment Counselor

The hardest part of this process is not the first session. It’s the moment before you reach out — when you’re staring at a phone number or an email address, trying to decide whether to make contact. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know what you’ll be asked. You’re not sure your spouse will agree. And part of you wonders whether calling a therapist means you’ve already admitted that the marriage is over.

It doesn’t. And what happens when you call is much simpler than you think.

You don’t need to have it figured out

Most people who contact me haven’t made any decisions yet. They’re not sure whether they want to save the marriage or end it. They’re not sure whether their spouse will participate. They’re not even sure Discernment Counseling is what they need. That’s fine. Figuring all of that out is my job, not yours.

Some people call. Some send an email — sometimes just a few sentences. Either way, I respond, and we begin a conversation. There’s no intake form to fill out. No insurance pre-authorization. No commitment to anything beyond a phone call.

I speak with each of you separately

This is the part most people don’t expect, and it’s one of the most important features of how I work.

Before we ever sit down together in my office, I have a private phone conversation with each of you individually. Not a joint call. Not a three-way conversation. A one-on-one call, just you and me, where your partner cannot hear what you say.

There’s a reason for this. By the time a couple is considering Discernment Counseling, they are almost always in very different places emotionally. One of you may be thinking seriously about divorce. The other may not fully realize how close to the edge things are. Or you may both be uncertain but afraid to say so in front of each other.

I need to hear from each of you honestly — without the filter of your partner’s presence — to understand what is actually going on. Not the version you’ve rehearsed for couples therapy. Not the careful, diplomatic summary you’d give with your spouse listening. The real version.

In these calls, I’ll ask you a few things:

Where do you stand right now?Not where you stood six months ago, or where you think you should stand, but where you actually are today. Are you leaning toward staying? Leaning toward leaving? Somewhere in between? There’s no wrong answer, and nothing you tell me in this call will be shared with your partner without your permission.

What has brought you to this point? I’m not looking for a complete history of the marriage — we’ll get to that. I want to understand the arc. When did things start to feel different? What have you tried? What has and hasn’t worked?

What are you hoping for? Some people know exactly what they want — “I want my spouse to agree to therapy” or “I want someone to help me decide whether to leave.” Others can’t articulate it yet, and that’s perfectly fine. Sometimes the honest answer is “I don’t know what I’m hoping for. I just know I can’t keep going like this.” That’s enough.

Has your partner agreed to come? If yes, I’ll have a similar private conversation with them before scheduling the first session. If no — if you’re the only one who has reached out — we’ll talk about how to approach your partner about it. I can offer guidance on what to say and, just as importantly, what not to say. Many reluctant partners agree to come once they understand that Discernment Counseling is not couples therapy, that it’s brief, and that it doesn’t require them to commit to working on the marriage.

What I’m assessing

I want to be transparent about what I’m doing during these calls, because it’s more than just gathering information.

I’m determining whether Discernment Counseling is the right fit for your situation. It usually is — but not always. If one partner has made an absolute, final decision to divorce and has no remaining openness to any other outcome, Discernment Counseling isn’t the appropriate process. If there are active safety concerns — coercive control, serious threats, a situation where one partner would be at risk — we need a different kind of help first. And if both of you are actually ready and willing to commit to working on the marriage, you may not need Discernment Counseling at all — you may just need a good couples therapist, and I can help with that directly or point you to someone who can.

I’m also getting an initial sense of the dynamic between you. How far apart are you? How long has this been building? Has there been a precipitating event — an affair, a disclosure, a sudden announcement — or has this been a slow erosion? The answers to these questions help me prepare for our first session so that I can use the time effectively rather than spending the first hour catching up.

And honestly, I’m giving you a chance to see whether you feel comfortable with me. The relationship between a therapist and a client matters — perhaps especially in a process as compressed and consequential as this one. If something about our conversation doesn’t feel right, it’s better to know that now than in the middle of a two-hour session with your spouse in the room.

What these calls are not

These phone calls are not therapy sessions. I’m not going to analyze your marriage over the phone or offer advice about what to do. I’m not going to ask you to pour out the full history of your relationship in a fifteen-minute conversation.

They are also not a sales pitch. I’m not trying to convince you to book an appointment. If Discernment Counseling isn’t the right fit, I’ll tell you, and I’ll suggest what might be more appropriate. If you’re not ready to take the next step, that’s completely fine. Some people call, have the conversation, and need a few weeks to sit with it before deciding whether to proceed. That’s not a problem. This is a decision about your marriage and your life — it should be made on your timeline, not mine.

After the calls

If I’ve spoken with both of you and it seems like Discernment Counseling is the right approach, we schedule the first session. That session is roughly two hours — longer than a standard therapy appointment — because the work we’re doing requires real space. I’ll tell you what to expect so you’re not walking in blind, but I should say: most people are surprised by how different it feels from anything they’ve done before. It is not a mediated argument. It is not an exercise in airing grievances. It is a structured, purposeful conversation — part of it together, most of it individually — designed to help each of you see your marriage and yourself more clearly.

I’ve written a separate, detailed guide to what happens in that first session, which you can read here. But the truth is, you don’t need to know every detail in advance. You just need to know that the first step is a phone call, and that the call itself is private, low-pressure, and designed to help you figure out whether this is the right move.

If you’re the one who found this page

Often, only one person in the couple is reading this right now. If that’s you — if you’re the one who has been researching, worrying, and trying to decide what to do — I want you to know that reaching out on your own is not only acceptable, it’s how this usually starts. One person calls. We talk. And then, together, we figure out how to bring your partner into the conversation.

You can reach me at (212) 327-3624 or contact@drherwitz.com. The conversation is confidential, and there is no obligation.

Dr. Johanna Herwitz is a clinical psychologist on the Upper East Side of Manhattan specializing in Discernment Counseling for couples at a crossroads, couples therapy, and individual therapy for accomplished adults. She sees clients in person in New York City and virtually throughout New York, California, Connecticut, Washington, D.C., and Florida.